(Late) Introductions Are In Order…
by Erin Honor
Since I started this blog a few months ago, I have been all over the place in regards to what I want to do with it. I have had a couple of blogs in the past, each of which I ultimately deleted once they began to no longer feel genuine. I have had a healthy living blog (what got me into blogging in the first place) where I tried to fit myself into the “Everything is so perfect! I just ran 10 miles and made a green juice!” archetype that seemed to be the norm amongst the healthy living community that I love so dearly… It was fun at first, I’m not going to pretend that it wasn’t. However, my unhealthy mind and lack of mental health slowly but surely began to creep into my posts until, eventually, it was all I wrote about.
Not wanting to be identified by my mental illness, I wiped the blog and started anew. This time, I chose to write about health and fitness still, but I also wrote about everything else under the sun. Again though, I deemed my cheeriest persona and tried to write behind that guise when, in reality, I was slipping. Naturally, I lost interest in writing.
So here we are, the Erin Honor blog. When I created this, my first and largest choice was of what to call it… So I used my name. Now there was no pressure, there were no expectations of what this blog had to be. RunSmileLive, ErinLearnsToLive, SnapbackAndRacingFlats, all of those were created in attempts to portray only fragments of my whole self. I wanted to show the light and hide all of the darkness. I was always very good at pretending everything was alright when it wasn’t.
I can’t do that anymore.
I spent too much of my life trying to pretend that it was all sunshine and rainbows and it left me emptier than before. Now, I’m not saying that this thing here will be all doom and gloom, I’m not even saying that I am a negative person. I’m not. Really. I promise.
I’ve said it before in previous posts and I will say it again; we live in a really cool world. I am so grateful for that. That being said, I have spent the bulk of my life hiding a fog of mental illness. I have spent my whole life fixated on my deep rooted hatred of my body and myself. I have spent my whole life trying to destroy my physical self so that I could be free.
But that’s not how it works, now is it?
You can’t separate your physical and spiritual selves. I have spent so much time truly believing that I could kill my physical self without killing my whole self. Yu can’t do that. It doesn’t work that way.
So where am I now?
I think that is what this blog will be. Every time that I have started a blog, I am ashamed to admit that there was a large part of my brain that was doing it just to be seen. I love writing, I always have. However, I was trying so hard to fit the mold of what the “popular” bloggers were doing because, well, I wanted to be life them. I’m not them. I am me, and I may not be very happy about that right now, but I really want to try my hardest to one day be able to be proud of being me. That is my goal. That is my mission. That is what this blog will be.
I have been frozen for a very long time. I fell into this whirlwind of self-hatred when I was very young. Six years old, to be exact. I fell into the dark, cold depths of my mind and froze. I am now 20 years old, but I still feel like that sad and scared 6 year old girl. I am the little girl who just wants a hug and a kiss on the forehead and to told that everything is okay. I am the little girl who can’t hold a part time job because she has severe anxiety and has had to quit every job she has had after having panic attacks in front of full restaurants. I am the little girl who feels like the world is too big and she is too small. I am the little girl whose cries too easily and loves too much. I am the little girl who has been this way for too long; who has had no idea of how to crawl out of the darkness.
I can’t be that little girl anymore.
This blog will probably be one that no one will read, and I have decided that I will be okay with that. This blog is going to be little more than the explicit mental outpourings of this scared little girl who is trying to put herself back together. Recovery is hard… No, hard is an understatement. I don’t even know how to properly articulate how hard it is. Eating disorders, depression, anxiety, social-anxiety, body-dysmorphia, mood disturbances… these have all been a part of me for almost the entirety of my life. They have, in some sick way, kept me safe. Sheltered. When I am so caught up in my own mental illnesses, I do not have to go out and experience all of the scariness of “the real world.”
But here’s the thing… I want to know the real world. I want to know love and light and happiness. I want to know success and failures. I want to see far places far and near. I want to go as far out of my comfort zone as I can. I want to feel my heart flutter with nervousness and excitement over new experiences. I want to know it all.
More than anything though, I want to finally know my true self.
So that’s it. This blog will be the documentation of my journey towards recovery. This blog will be a place where I can learn to find the joys in life again and where I can rediscover all that I was once passionate about before the monster of mental illness came in and stifled me.
I hope you, reader, will come along with me on the adventure. I am so excited and scared and thankful.