Well… Hey

by Erin Honor

Alright, so this is a blog. Hello there. Hey. Hi.

Can you tell that I’m not quite sure what I am doing here?

I guess that the best way to kick this thing off is with some introductions. Hey. I’m Erin, and I like warm hugs and long runs on the beach. Er… Not really sure where i was going with that. I think I was trying to maybe make an attempt at being funny.

Anyway, like I said, I’m Erin. I’m a 19 year old college student who lives in the Big Apple itself and is trying to figure out what on earth she is doing with her life.

I’ve been “blogging” for as long as I can remember (ok, not quite… but still, a long time). I tend to be all over the place in regards to my hobbies/interests/goals, but writing (or blogging) has always been the only passion of mine that has remained solid and consistent throughout the course of my life, and blogging has allowed me to do that and also put it out into the world.

I myself and a true introvert (INFJ via the Myers-Briggs personality type method if you’re curious for whatever reason), and being an introverted, anxiety-ridden person in this day and age often leads to one being what I like to call, “an internet dweller.” I have always found comfort and safety behind the screen of my computer. Does this sound pathetic? Probably. But hey, hear me out.

The internet is a beautiful thing. It allows for people like to me express themselves while still feeling safe and secure. It’s hard to explain, and yes, people online can be cruel… But I have just always felt safe while pouring my heart out publicly for strangers to do what they wanted with my deepest darkest thoughts. It’s a phenomena in itself, this security and comfort that comes with saying what you wouldn’t to your closest friends to complete strangers… But hey, I love it.

Anyway, this blog isn’t about the internet or hermit children like me wasting their lives away in dark rooms whilst mindlessly clicking “reblog.” Actually, I have no idea what this blog was about.

Like I said earlier, I have been dabbling in the blogging world since I was a middle school kid teaching herself HTML (a skill that I have sadly lost over the years) and making Xanga and Piczo websites about God know what. Luckily, those blogs seem to have disappeared off the face of the earth. Phew.

After that stint ended. I discovered the deep abyss that is Tumblr. I started a blog. I said a whole bunch of things that I probably shouldn’t have and revealed a lot of uber-depressive thoughts and ideas and somehow… There were people that actually cared.

However, Tumblr is not exactly the place to go if you want to start “a real blog.” It’s where you go when you just have a ton of feelings that you want to share or if you find yourself itching with the desire to dive headfirst into the weird part of the internet. It’s a great website… But as someone who loves writing, I wanted more.

So I started a WordPress blog focused around healthy living. I was going through some really awful stuff in my life, and nutrition, exercise, and holistic living became my one real love… And so did healthy living blogs.

I did the thing for a few years, and it was good. It was. Again, I wound up sharing some things that probably made people shake their heads and click off of the blog… But I also wrote some content that I really wash, and still am, proud of.

However, as I said earlier, I am the kind of person that is all over the place. I was writing this blog about healthy living. That was my M.O. My niche. My genre. I read other healthy living blogs. I followed what they did. I left out the rest.

Basically, I tried to shove myself into a box that was much too small for me.

Here’s an analogy for you. Imagine you’re going away on vacation to… hm… Italy. Now, you really don’t feel like checking a bag on this trip. Checking luggage costs money and adds more stress onto the trip. Instead, you decide to simply bring a duffel bag.

Now, you have to be prepared for this trip. I mean, you’re going to Italy after all. You wouldn’t want to be under packed now would you? What is the weather going to be like? Better bring four sweaters, five jackets, and a whole bunch of tank tops just in case.

So you’ve stuffed this little duffle bag to it’s limit. You could consider yourself a professional stuffer-of-bags if that’s even a thing. Now it’s time to close it. This process takes about 20 minutes. You push and stretch and pull and squish as you try to get this bag to zipper. Eventually, you get the job done. All those clothes fit in the bag. It’s all good.

Here’s the problem, while you were able to get the bag to close, this does not by any stretch of the imagination mean that the clothing items fit in the bag. They have been forced. Suppressed. They are not supposed to all fit into that bag. The bag is not big enough for them. You forced it.

Now, this overstuffed bag of yours doesn’t eliminate all the stress of flying to Italy like you believed that it would. The bag is now uncomfortable. It’s too heavy. The shape of it is bizarre because of how stuffed it is. And oh, there is also the slight possibility that this bag busts open and all of your belongings, including that pair of oh-so-sexy granny panties that you brought “just in cast” end up all over the airport floor.

Now let’s bring this all back to blogging. I have a point, I promise. Basically, the healthy living genre was the duffel bag and I was the ample amount of clothing items. There was too much of me to fit the bag. Did I make myself fit? Yes. But I also suppressed and stuffed down parts of myself to the point that it was uncomfortable.

People are not meant to fit in boxes.

Cats on the other hand…

cats_loves_boxes_8

Again, I tried and failed to be funny.

What I’m saying is, I’m sick of stuffing myself into boxes. I have spent my entire life trying to figure out what kind of person I am. And by that, I don’t mean the whole human condition journey of self actualization that we are all on. No, I mean I spent a whole bunch of time trying to figure out, basically, what stereotype I am. I listen to punk rock and metal music. Am I one of the “emo” kids? I am a runner. Jock? I love fashion and makeup. Girlie-girl? Oh, and I also like art. Artsy type?

Here’s the thing. The thing that makes human kind as amazing as it is it the fact that every single one of us is unique in every single way. We all have a wide variety of personality traits and interests that often contrast each other when referenced against the whole model of stereotyping as whole. No one fits into a single stereotype. No one fits exactly into a specific mold. If they do, they are compromising and suppressing parts of what makes them who they are. And that is so sad.

So what am I trying to say here? I’m not really sure. I just know that I want… no. I need a platform to express myself. My whole self. I have spent so much time mulling over what type of blog I should start if I am giving up on my healthy living blog. Fashion? I wouldn’t have enough content. Lifestyle? I’m not all that interesting.

I spend all my time thinking instead of actually doing.

So here I am, throwing myself into this thing. I’m not giving myself a set posting schedule (I did my healthy living blog daily and found myself putting up sub-par posts on days where I was scraping for content), I’m not giving myself a set blog type either. I’m just going to write. I’m just going to throw my hands up and put this out there and see where it goes.

I don’t know what I’m doing yet… But I’m figuring it all out.

I hope you will stick with me for this journey of who knows what.

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